I'm surprised people actually read what i write here. Thought it was a soliloquy all along. Anyhow, thanks to anyone who bothers. Paperdoll, your blog is really well-done...very sweet and lilac, and it sure does contrasts whatever is here. I know this may be a dumb question but what software (or do you use any at all?) do you use to generate your pages? Just curious. I think i'm falling behind where web softwares or editors are concerned...

I received this anonymous mail from someone (actually his name is Alvin Low although i have no idea who he is!) who asked me if i'm ok (after reading my blog by chance). I sorta confessed it to dan because i don't wanna keep anything from him. That mail could have killed the relationship should he stumble upon it...now, dan swears he is gonna mail bomb that guy....just as he did to Mr. Tay Ping Hui...*LOL*. No lah i didn't send fan mails to him for goodness' sake!!

On a lighter note, me and dan patched up last night. After a cold war of 4 days, i realised it has been years, or rather i don't recall myself ever waging a war for that long before. What is happening to me? What is happening to us? I wanted to see dan first thing this morning so i more or less forced him to get breakie for me (sausage mcmuffin with egg..yum!)......we talked a little and i made him promise me a thousand things. I know a relationship is about giving and taking but at this point of time, both of us seem to have a fixed idea that the other party is the one just taking and giving nothing. Both of us think the other party is the one taking things for granted. Both of us blame the other for the state of the relationship. What is going on? I really like to believe that we were made for each other......I really like to believe that from an outsider's point of view, we actually love each other a lot. Esther asked me if i will regret making the decision of breaking up with dan and i said i won't. But just that day when i was walking aimlessly at citylink and i caught someone who looked like dan, with a girl in hand, i got scared. Esther told me she and Becky are life examples of people who regret not treasuring the one they love, but can do nothing now except for more regrets. Oh well....

I find it hard to cheer myself up nowadays. I keep pestering dan to make me happy but he doesn't understand why and says my expectations are too high and i am too used to being treated like a princess. I never felt that i needed anyone to make me happy in the past, but now when i sink down to the lows, i just need him to help me up. Sometimes i feel that i have grown to depend on him so much he controls my ups and downs. When he makes me upset, i hit pit bottom and whatever amount of shopping, coaxing, joking, funny faces, pep talks etc from anyone else doesn't really make a significant difference. It just puts pain on hold for a while and if dan is not quick enough to make things better for me, i sink again. Dianna asked me that night if i ever wondered whether the grass is greener on the other side. I bet dan will jump on this question and answer yes for me. I don't hanker after greener pastures. I just want dan to be the greener grass. I don't care. I just want him to be the best. Shut up, no more saying you'll try. You must.

I am getting more evil by the day. Today is Sunday and i'm supposed to go to church. Ma doesn't look too pleased because i didn't even bother to lie today. I just curled in bed and covered my face with the bolster. Pa was more concerned whether i was sick than about going to church. I respect him more for that. I discovered the evil test by chance and i did it...looks like i'm still not that evil after all heh...

I am 49% evil.




I could go either way. I have sinned quite a bit but I still have a bit of room for error. My life is a tug of war between good and evil. Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com


I am going to billy bombers tonight for dinner.

Currently reading: Harry Potter and the Chambers of Secrets by J.K Rowling