The madness is finally over. After weeks of tests and intrasem exams, i am finally free! Oh well...at least for the time being before i face the big exams in june, i can be a couch potato without feeling guilty. Haven't been feeling well these few days...have been thinking about a lot of things...sat in the bath tub this morning and had a good cry....what's wrong with me?

It started that night when i thought about why i was here and what my purpose in life is....every step here is tough...whenever i go back home, people ask me questions like...why you don't go and be human doctor...why you want to be animal doctor blahblah......esther and mervyn have both told me (hahaha) that my blog has too much details esp. on things i do to the animals (anyone wants to hear how i castrated a bull and threw his testicles to Max? hint: Max is a dog and Max is hungry...)..one of my aunties asked me how i can stand working with the farm animals that are so dirty. I practically get splashed with shit/pee everytime i work around with cows...i have to stick my arm into their asses (ok too much details)......i helped a cow give birth and the story made a few people cringe and said it was disgusting (or maybe its the dramatic way i always tell my stories hahaa). Honestly i thought it was really beautiful experience seeing a new life pop out in front of me although for some reason (maybe because of my inefficiency), the poor calf's mum refused to let her suckle and we had to handfeed her. Maybe i should really stop telling people my disgusting stories hahaha....but i love every minute of this even though every step is hard (and mostly shitty). Anyway....

It's sorta been 9 mths or so since Bonnie passed away...i still can't forget how she died...the way she looked when i held her in the pet ambulance. Everytime things get tough over here, i think of her. I guess i just started thinking a lot about her these couple of days......after being constantly drilled and totally drained from all that work. I really miss her. Started thinking of her when she was young and how the whole family and her would go places...play ball...swim together. We never gave her a really luxurious life but everyone loved her. I hate whoever's responsible for it....it may sound bias but i'm sure she would have enjoyed one or two more good years if her condition had been diagnosed earlier. Now that i'm in my 3rd year and better equipped, i guess i would have been in a better position if i had knew all that i know now. How can i be pushed around by some bastard showing me an x-ray of a leg which was fucking obvious...and telling me THIS IS THE LEG?!? Diagnosing her condition as arthritis was bullshit when in fact she had a tumour growing. Giving her steriods was a big mistake...but i was quick to notice she passed out some weird stuff but the bastards told me it was normal...only to find out after the dog died that it ws probably an infection and there was pus....hello? you are the vet, not me. But i will be...one day. I guess i just feel rather upset everytime i'm reminded of her condition and the negligence/ ignorance of those vets......I really miss her.

Death has been coming after me...not literally, but the past year hasn't been good for me at all. After granma passed away last May, it was Bonnie's turn in July...and my auntie again recently. I looked through the pictures in my computer last night, and found a photo of me, sis and her when we spent x'mas at her place last year. It is an irony, that she has been taking care of my sis and me since birth but we've never had a picture taken with her before. Guess it was a sign..that final picture we took with her...i'm glad i have it. I dunno if i'm handling death the right way. I still think of her a lot and it's hard to believe she's physically gone. Though i don't talk about it, i'm scared. How am i supposed to react when i go back to sg and there's no more dinner with her anymore? It's sorta become a ritual (more so after i'm here), that everytime i return home..she makes it a point to throw a really big dinner for me complete with all my favourite food. I always feel grateful for all the effort even though i don't say it at all. I regret not spending more time with her and always telling myself i'll repay her when i go home finally and i'll give her money every month after i become a vet and blahblahblah. Do i really think money can make up for anything?

I had an impulse to transfer to being a human doctor partly because of her death....but then i think back at my dog's death and i decided to stay being a vet. Not that my dog's death had a greater impact on me....but i just find saving an animal's life more rewarding than saving a human's life. It's weird but i think i would only want to save the people i love...but for animals, i would want to save them indiscriminatingly.

Somehow i still feel that when i go home, Bonnie will be there fussing around my luggage and whining at me. Maybe the phone will ring and i can make my way down to Yew Tee for a big dinner too. I don't think i'm deluding myself...i just don't feel death is powerful enough to take away the memory or the presence of my loved ones. To me, they will always be around and i keep having this feeling of anticipation that i will soon get to meet my auntie...have her ring me up and talking to me so loudly and i would eagerly reply her as loud as i can...i still keep feeling that when i turn the key and open my front door, i will be greeted by my dog or at least that doggy whiff....

How do people cope with death?