"Have you ever had someone who was down to his last few dollars and still willing to use that last few bucks to buy a rose for you just to see your smile? I had and from that moment i knew what love is."

I learnt about diazepams (aka Valium), lorazepams, zoloft, prozacs etc. in school today. I finished my last Valium 2 nights ago and i don't think i really want anymore of that junk. Seems that valium causes defects in babies (cleft palates and stuff) especially during the first trimester. Not that i'm having a baby lah...but i'd like to think that i'd have 2 or more babies and i don't want anything untoward to happen to them. Yeah....seems that valium has some paradoxical effect....it's supposed to sedate anxious people yet it may also produce a disinhibition effect. Let's say you try to sedate an aggressive german shepherd with valium (and that german shepherd can't wait to bite you but he's not doing that in case he gets punished by his owner).....the valium may actually produce that disinhibiting effect which will make him take a nip on you because he doesn't give a flying f*** anymore after that valium adminstration. Weird........

I wonder if i'm in that state of disinhibition haha....after too much valium. Yeah....i seem to be the emblem of sunshine now? In my happy world? Yah actually you can take it this way.....and yes it is a far cry from what i was 1 or 2 years ago. Nowadays, many people catch me saying..."i wanna do blahblah BEFORE I DIE"....not that i am afraid of dying...it's just that after these years, i realise how short life is...and how i should try to live my life properly. It's been a rollercoaster 2 years for me....coming here to aussie confused and miserable.....hitting hell hole in Nov 2000....how everyone stood by me then...EVERY friggin week....my parents and dan at Mt. E with me and Dr. Sim....every session blew at least 350 bucks from my dad's pocket......yet he said it's ok as long as i get well...daniel rushing down just to be with me there every week....and even got polar curry puffs for me during one of the sessions.....i did a lot of thinking then and for awhile i thought i became better. But no...after awhile i was back to being that wasted person again...scared and miserable.....and then it all came one by one....my granma passed away...Bonnie did after 2 mths...and another huge bomb dropped on me this Feb 2002....i didn't even get to call her after i flew back to aussie....and 2 days later she passed away. Yes i still blame myself and even just now while i was showering i just suddenly thought about her....and all i could do was just sit there and cry like a total idiot.

I think everything just made me change my outlook of life. No, as much as you may think so...as much as i laugh and appear to be optimistic and worry-free, i still do have all the insecurity and fear like i did in the past. But each time, i just try to go on....think about everyone who loves me and persevere on however screwed up things may be. Yah i know i sound like i am giving a testimonial or reciting from some script about coping with depression.......i dunno what i'm ranting but i hope that whatever it is....now or in the future...i'd always remember how fragile life is....how life can disappear overnight....how i should be responsible to myself and to those who love me...how i should always live life to the fullest instead of dwelling in self pity....how i should try to love myself more. Yeah...if i forget...beat me up and remind me never to become the quivering junkie i was last time.

On a lighter note, i'm gonna see my dear this sunday...my beloved beloved beloved! Can't believe all the shit he had to go through just to visit me.......one blob of shit after another.....screw ups one by one.....but finally he's got his air tickets and the damn visa problem solved. I really hope we can spend some quality time together after being apart for 1 month or so. I can't wait to see him....can't can't can't wait...just wish i can sleep and wake up to sunday now.....but nah i still have thursday, friday, saturday then finally sunday. Meanwhile, i have to finish whatever work i'm lagging......wash all his untouched-for-one-year clothes....plan my next week menu for him....and hopefully time passes faster and i'll see him again soon. Just that this time, my friend is gonna fetch him with me....so i have to surpress my excitement and ecstacy when i see him and remember not to run or pounce on him........hahahaa....oh well, but that saves 70 bucks of cab fare...so i guess that's worthwhile. Sunday come quick pleassssse!!!!!!!