Autumn has really set in and i need a heater to get through the night now. The cold is said to make you more hungry than usual but i think it's having a reverse effect on me. I haven't eaten much since mum and dad left. Suddenly i'm not even sure what to eat anymore. I miss my family. The older you grow, the more you realise that the only people you can depend on are possibly just your family members. Mum and dad know everything about me. To think that just the other night, i was busy explaining between bouts of wailing and tears, something which i thought they misunderstood about me. They didn't go into a frenzy comforting me, instead mum simply said "i know, because you are my child". I think sometimes, you don't really have to speak with fanciful words. Simple words or unfashioned sentences can impact you for a whole life time.

I'm not sure what happened to Esther, and i think i should ring her sometime soon because obviously something has happened. I'll do it tonight if i can reach her. We're not very much in contact these days but i still think of what she always says to me whenever i'm down. Be strong, she always tells me. We never do girly things like hugging each other when i break down. Maybe it's the fact that people think i can be quite cold and proud at times, hugging seems inappropriate. I don't like being hugged by people anyway. It makes me feel more vulnerable than i should be.

Dad told me the same thing before he left as well, that i should be strong, and live a better life for myself. But how to when i still beat myself up for things that i can't let go? I too, wanna find my rainbow after the rain stops although it seems pretty impossible to see one now that Autumn is here.

I will be strong. Only because the people who love me asked me to.