When i change my blog layout and blog more than usual, it normally means that something is weighing me down. This time, it is no exception.

Anyway, this blog is officially dedicated to Mr. Chester. I miss him a great deal, now that he's back in Singapore and i'm stuck in Aussie ALONE (okay right, i've got my mum with me for a month but still....).

For those who barely know Mr. Chester, he's a brown and white (for the higher class individuals or breeders, he's known as a chocolate and white or liver and white) Border Collie that me and Dan hand-picked from a litter of 8 puppies (i think so..) in Armadale. When i first got him, he was barely 6 weeks old and weighed only 1.6kg. Whether it was some sorta maternal instincts or simply a love for dogs, i fell in love with him right away.

I watched Chester grew day by day as i felt more and more for him. It really isn't that difficult to tell that he's already become a big part of me, sometimes even more important than my own well-being. Some people find it obssesive and others find it excessive. Wise words from Dad: "If you really love someone (some dog in this case), everything you do for him/her is wu2 yuan4 wu2 hui3 (roughly translated: no complaints and no regrets). I brewed up quite a storm when i refused to return to Singapore last December when i contracted hepatitis, the reason being no one can take care of Chester while i'm away in Singapore and bringing him back wasn't a choice at that time. I knew Mum was heartbroken and shed tears at Piney Lakes, as she stood right there watching me and Chester play (actually, it was more of Chester playing alone because i was so ill and had such severe joint aches i couldn't even bear to stand). I nearly had a huge row with Mum because i wanted to take Chester out and she refused to let me because of my condition. In my mind, all i can think of is that I'm being unfair to Chester, being sick and all and having to coop him up in the house. For him, i had no qualms at all.

I always say this, "I have nothing. I only have Chester." I don't think anyone really understands how it's like having to be alone out there, here in Aussie. Sure, i might have left a lot of people behind in Singapore, but the difference is back there, everything is familiar. Nothing is alien, nothing is foreign. Maybe my departure left a void in many people's life but soon, everyone catches up with life and gets used to my absence. For me, it's another world here altogether. There is nothing for me to look forward to except the few simple things that keep me going - a phonecall from Dan, a word from baby Qiqi, a card from Sis, an sms from Dad. I feel embarassed to even admit that I thrive on these. Yes, it's pathetic but true. Everyone else back home continues on with their lives without me, doing normal things that i should have been a part of. I do everything alone - eat alone, shop alone, sleep alone, drive alone. Everyday i face the walls and wait. Wait for the mundane things that will make my day complete. I don't think anyone can ever understand that feeling. I'm sorry if i'm selfish and clingy. I'm sorry if i hang on to the phone too long. I'm sorry if i expect to be attended to even when everyone else is busy.

I guess that is the main reason why i got so insanely attached to Chester. I feel happy knowing that he's there to reciprocate my need to feel loved. He goes crazy being alone, but as soon as he's got me around, he wants nothing more than my company. He tears the walls up when i'm out and he's anxious, but when i'm finally back home, all he wants is to snuggle up at my foot. Like him, i get very edgy when i'm alone here, especially at night. I sit by the phone or in front of the computer, sometimes clutching my mobile too, waiting for a familiar voice, a familiar nick, a familiar sms to make my day complete. It hurts me somehow, when the anticipation for that sense of familiarity is not fulfilled.

But it's ok. I'll try to be more independent. I know it's been 4 years already, but there are some things you just can never get used to. There are other things i need to think about too, and i've put them off for far too long already. I've been telling myself to take stock of my life but i never do. My life is cluttered with too many unnecessary things that will only bring more misery to myself, but i keep 'em for sentimental reasons and old times' sake. I will sort things out, soon.