The Long Hard Road (Out Of Hell?)

For awhile, i've been getting comments from people around me, that i'm probably the only person they know that's living the life i want.

Maybe.

I should be happy, shouldn't I? But am i?

Sometimes, it almost feels like i've achieved my dreams at the expense of others (actually, it most definitely is). I've trudged along all these years, guilt-ridden. You can never imagine how hard it is for me to think about the amount of money Mum and Dad have spent on me these 5 years. They're not loaded, mind you. I'm just really lucky that Mum had her pension during the time when i was contemplating on pursuing a vet degree. Preceding my enrolment into vet school, an ugly incident happened, which sort of catalysed my decision in coming here. I'm not afraid to say this, but I was a bitch to have manipulated Mum emotionally. Up to this day, i still feel immensely regretful about what happened. Although i know that not in a thousand years will Mum take my hurtful actions to heart, i still pray that in time to come, i'll be able to repay them in whatever feeble ways i can afford to.

So, i took Mum's hard-earned pension. Then, there was news that Dad was getting an early retirement. When i asked why, Mum shrugged it off by saying that it was because of Dad's deteriorating arthritic condition. I didn't buy that of course. Deep down, i had a hunch that it was a strategic move to obtain more money from Dad's pension, so as too pay off my tuition fees for the rest of my course. Because i was perpetually guilt-ridden for robbing my parents of their life savings, I always feel the immense pressure to perform well in school. But i couldn't. I was constantly bogged down by negative feelings, possibly due to me missing home, having to cope with an LDR, as well as the competitiveness of being in a class full of smartie-pants.

Being a vet student is not as glam as it seems to be. Just a couple of days ago, i crushed someone's romantic notion of being a vet. No, we don't function in a sterile environment all the time. We get shit, literally and figuratively. It was a culture shock for me, when i first realised that i had to work with large animals most of the time. It's not that i don't like them, but I never had anything to do with them before and i was totally clueless. On top of that, it isn't really advantageous being a puny Asian compared to the ang mohs. Did you know that to be in vet school you'll one day have to pump iron? I did, just to be able to lift a 50kg sheep over a fence. I've grovelled in shit before, just to pass my animal handling test which requires us to successfully catch grossly obese pigs (okay, so there are no slim pigs). I've had my thigh booted by a 600kg cow (there seems to be a permanent hard clot there although the incident occured 2 years ago), had my feet stepped on by a 500kg stallion and recently suffered the wrath of a galah that i was trying to bleed. I don't mind getting dirty at all. After all, i'm a mouldy sort of person who isn't too anal with cleanliness. HAHA.

My point is, i didn't cruise through these 5 years. I love and hate every minute of it.

I agree whole-heartedly that i'm really fortunate to be able to live my the life i always wanted, but the realisation of my dream didn't come without a price. Besides counting my lucky stars, i had with me, bagfuls of dilemmas, heartbreaks and hardship. I'm not complaining about what i have to go through, i only feel apologetic towards the people who had contributed to the fulfilment of my dreams on their expenses. I really can't wait to graduate because i know my return has been a long-awaited one. I know Mum and Dad will never ever demand that i repay them in anyway, but i want to, not just to rid me of a guilty conscience, but also to reciprocate the love and support they've showered on me all this while.

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Totally agree with what Autumn said about having a dog. Dogs don't criticise you no matter who you are, what you wear, HOW UGLY YOUR HIGHLIGHTS ARE, or how much cellulite you have. There is no malice or revenge in a dog's dictionary at all. Chester keeps negativity at bay for me. I wouldn't have made it passed my 4th year here without his company. Some people think the way i treat Chester is a l'il psychotic (because of how i make decisions based only on his well-being, sometimes even preceding my own), but if you were in my shoes 4 months' ago, all wrecked and broken, you would understand how much Chester's companionship meant to me. So, sue me for making a dog the love of my life. *urf* (bitch bark)

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Oh and yah, Happy Birthday to my dearest cousin, Caroline, as well as my favourite small fluffy, Lesette.
p.s. Lesette used to be Chester's girlfriend, until Chester was flown home and they unfortunately failed to survive the LDR.