Fool

Fool

Maybe it's just a small matter, but I feel so cheated nonetheless. When something like this happens, it will usually become deeply etched in my mind whether i want it or not. The easiest way in an attempt to forget about it is to pretend it happened in my dreams. This is the time when my gin comes in handy again.

I may seem like a distrusting person, but secretly i do put a lot of trust in people that i feel are deserving of my trust. Now i know (and i thought i knew it all), how someone can just lie and not bat an eyelid. And me, i was just totally taken in.

Looks like this winter will be more gloomy than all the ones i've tide through in the past.

* * * * * *

The effect that alcohol has on me now is this never-before comforting effect. I feel more sober with each sip. As it intoxicates me, i rearrange my memory - chucking the bad ones aside and replacing them with me own deluded version.

I know that when i'm clear tomorrow, i'll believe the good thoughts that i've planted in my head today. Yes, i will.

Sometimes, i feel that i just can't take another day. I pretend that i'm doing okay. Pretend, pretend, pretend. Lie just to make sure everyone thinks i'm alright.

I lied when i was late for school last Tuesday, about how the traffic police was after me,and how i pissed i was at the delay. The truth is, i couldn't wake up from another nightmare, one of those that had plagued me for awhile. I'd be smiling and joking, but shaking and scared inside.

Like now, shaking and scared. My life in itself is a bad enough dream. When i sleep to escape, the dreams haunt me. What have i done to deserve this?

I always see my own death in those dreams. Maybe one day, when i can no longer take this anymore, i'll take the plunge, like how i always do in the dreams. I'm not scared of Death. Even in the dreams, i'm not. The only thing which binds me to Life is the thought of the immense grief which my death will bring to those who love me.

I don't need anyone's pittance. It doesn't matter to me how life turns out, or when Death finally decides to take me away. It is a win-win situation to me, however morbid you think i am. Suits me if i die. If i don't, it's just a favour to those around me.

However delirious you think i am now, spewing all these thoughts, i'm still sane. Right now, i'll just concentrate on doing my 2 reports and getting them to school before 5pm today. Tomorrow marks my Doomsday as well, because all my fun rotations have ended and i'll be starting rotations in the Small Animal Hospital (also known affectionately as the realms of Hell).

See, i've already forgotten what happened a few minutes ago :)

Life in general, and the things people do and say to you can be so bitter and toxic. Kill me if you must, just don't torture me. I swear i'll put an end to this one day. It's just a matter of time.