Playing God

Playing God

1.26am, 15 degrees Celsius outside. I'm driving along South Street, heading home after my shift at MPEC (equivalent of human ER).

Well, it's payback time. I left Perth 2 days before school term officially ended and didn't complete my last rotation. Now that exams have finished and everyone's out partying, i'm back at uni doing my final 2 shifts. What's worse is i still have one more test and a presentation left to complete.

Around 12-ish midnight (my shift ends at 1am), Dr. Raisis asked me if i "wanted to do it". Thinking that she was talking about my presentation, i gave her the affirmative answer. Seconds later when one of the nurses handed me a syringe-ful of green liquid, it suddenly dawned upon what "IT" was - the Green Dream. Euthanasia. Humane Destruction. Death.

The patient was a stray from a motor vehicle accident. It was bleeding profusely from its mouth and nose, and it also had a fractured jaw. One of its pupils was screwed (not literally) and it was obvious that the cat had sustained major brain damage. I stroked the cat, said my last goodbye apologetically and performed the deed. It felt like a thousand boulders weighing on my heart as i took out my stethoscope to check for a heartbeat. There was none, and that was enough proof that I had just terminated a life. My heart sank and sank. For a moment, i felt so sick of myself i thought i was going to vomit. After all these years, i still haven't got used to the idea of putting an animal down. Who am i to play God?

I have more to blog but i think i'm too tired. It's hard not to be emotionally involved in a job like this. Maybe i'll be numb after i've seen enough deaths, but maybe i won't ever be. There were 2 unsuccessful resuscitations today. We tried so hard to bring the animals back but our efforts were futile on both attempts. I cursed and swore all the way through, frustrated that the animals were not responding at all. I hate it. It's too emotionally draining for me.

"You fucking bastard. Just wake up. Come on....come on.....come on. Just fucking breathe for me. Come on....come on....you can do it...."

10 mins of futility. My heart sinks and that nauseous feeling overcomes me all over again. All these years, my one single goal was to save the lives of animals, but what the hell is happening now?

If I don't even possess the ability to bring a dead animal back to life, simply because i'm not the God, what right do i have to end a life that The Creator has given? I think i better endeavour to save more lives to make up for the ones i've lost, especially the ones the ones that are totally out of my control.

"I'm just cruel to be kind. I'm just cruel to be kind. I'm just cruel to be kind. I'm just cruel to be kind....."

Somehow, i still haven't convinced myself yet.